I know Tis the season to be jolly, and I shouldn’t be out here venting out and spreading negativity, but can i just release these bad feelings? Can i let it all out? I’ve been telling my husband to bring me in a place where no one can hear me and i can shout it all out, in a mountain, in a cliff. The anger, the bitterness, the betrayal, hopelessness, and the losing of faith – all in one, this season, a season where you are supposed to be happy, excited, positive because it’s Christmas. But it’s completely the opposite for me.
If you happen to read my poem which I wrote a year ago, Lights and Doors. It has something to do with it. It is once again about a failure. Where the hatred and all that is coming from. I tried the second time, and failed – again. You hoped, you believed, you trusted, you surrendered everything to Him. But He failed you. You felt betrayed because you knew this time, He’ll never let you down. But He did actually, not once but twice. Why? I couldn’t think of something awful that I did all this year to deserve this, i was broken the same month last year, it was Christmas time also, when year 2016 was about to end, i have received the baddest news that year but i still opted to welcome 2017 with peaceful mind and hopeful heart. But this is like Dejavu, how am I going to welcome the birth of Christ and the New year with all these negative feelings inside of me. I am trying, really trying to be optimistic, which this blog is all about. But the anger, the bitterness are engulfing the whole of me. I didn’t even wanna see a happy face, because i feel so jealous, that they are happy, and I am not. How can i fake that? Oh yes, I know it’s my choice to be miserable or not. Do not judge me. But how about acknowledging and embracing all of these until i am done with it? Should i cry it out? Coz the truth is I am trying my best not to, not to shed a single tear. Or am i feeling pain, but no, i can’t actually feel sadness nor i feel hurt. I don’t empathize with myself, i am trying to search for that within me, but it’s more on anger, i have lost faith. That was all that i have before, i held on tight with my strong faith in Him. But with all the disappointments and the failures, I surely don’t know anymore where am i heading to. I am human, I guess it is my prerogative to feel this way. I hope He could finally show me the light, coz there will always be open doors, but i fear now that it could lead me once again to darkness.
Two consecutive years, two consecutive Decembers, oh and can i add the other December when my father was taken away from us, ugh! surely not a Decembest. I guess the last month of the year will never be my favorite. Hope it’ll get better, a better December.